Much like Auburn had their $15,000 laptop stolen this week, Coach Meyer's secret tome, THE CHRONICLES OF MEYER, was snatched by a spy. This book contains all of Urban's plays and a sample of Tebow's blood for the cloning and some spare hankies in the back if Urban feels a bit dewy-eyed. The book also contains a lot of really bad charcoal art. One page is devoted to the Utes logo...instead of a "U" in a circle it's like a chimney vomited onto the page. No wonder Urban's routes are so complex - the man is like a paint shaker probably because he is filled with so much EMOTIONTEARS and oh yeah Nikebucks. Note: We're not sure why a laptop would cost $15,000 - isn't it really just an Etch-A-Sketch that has "GIVE TO IRONS" scrawled in Borgesprint on it?     These two studs make sure everything is ok in GatorNation! They work together like a sexy hydra. Hydras live in the water so they're probably ok in the Swamp but if they need to leave they can stay moist through Urbantears. They stand out because they're not wearing denim shorts. Well, they might be, but we can't see the lower half of the picture. That's probably our fault because we had to crop the photo. Our bad.     SPOILER ALERT THE "GIRL" HAS A FULMER and Forest Whitaker is awesome he's really great in Fast Times at Ridgemont High too remember that he's the football guy and that was Cameron Crowe's movie and they had the thing with the Phoebe Cates who was in Gremlins which can become Tubervilles if you continue to expose them to light. 'Tis the week to wash your white tennis shoes and iron your denim, crank up the ZZ Top! The Tigers head back to The Bog to once more silence the BeDazzled crowd in a matchup between 2 powerhouses. Les Miles and his - just - below - the - Milesy - surface - frothing - rage squares off against Briscoe High's offensive coordinator, Urban Meyer. We think it bodes well for the staunch LSU defense that Coach Meyer's playcalling throughout the game necessitated the use of Ron Mexico AND LaDanian Tomlinson in a halfback pass play to beat the DeMatha Stags. If Coach Meyer were REALLY smart, he would just have Ron Mexico, backup QB Matt Leinart and LB Brian Urlacher rub themselves all over DeMatha's players, infecting them all with a scathing case of the bursting ParisHiltonherpes. In Gainesville, these pulsing rancid pocks are proudly displayed and called "Gator Bites." They of course rank second behind "deer tick bites" as popular skin conditions. Last year's contest was Urban's first journey into the friendly confines of Tiger Stadium; after handing the Gators their loss, Urban and his brave team...um...broke down and cried. WITHOUT EVEN BEING YELLED AT BY SABAN. These are the kinds of victories to savor...beat Florida, and widdle Urban gets the lipquivers...beat Miami, and Grampy Coker is forced to liquidate his staff (he should have just fired his team instead). This year's scuffle pits the LSU Tigers' ferocious top-ranked defense against the Janus-like offense of the Gators, who run the URBAN MEYER JUGGERNAUT OFFENSE. This offense throttled MAC and Mountain West defenses for years, and is shrouded in mystery, intrique, and deception. Rumors abound about this secretive attack. Our spy (this dude named Clay that lives in Ft. Walton he has a camera that looks like a pen it's sweet) reports that the Gators have a new beast in the backfield...a massive slab of flesh that the Gators use as a battering ram - apparently, this beast is composed entirely of tebownium and emits high-level hype. This he-creature is the future of Gator football, but for now he is only used to kick up Bog dust. The Gators are led by quarterback Chris Leak, who has been in the Gator backfield since 1983. His experience and emotion have carried the Gators to absolutely nowhere, though it should be noted that it was a Leak-led team that handed the 2003 National Champs their only loss. That team was coached by the constantly-stunned Ron Zook; Like Urban, he too was an emotionally charged Gator coach. If wailing on frat dude's faces is like shedding tears, then yeah, they're a lot alike. The GameDay crew will not be at an Ohio State game (it's an Urban Miracle!), but will instead be parked in front of The Bog to regale the crowd with delightful tales of Notre Dame. Herbstreit has to call the night game - no word on whether or not JaMarcus has been asked to throw Herbstreit to wherever he needs to be. Even if JR was asked to throw Herbstreit, it wouldn't be nearly as crisp or destructive a pass as Troy Smith could throw, of course. In the days of yore, back in the magical lands of Utah and Bowling Green, an ancient prophecy from the Elders of the SIESPN told of the 2ND YEAR OF URBAN, a period of offensive rage that would lay waste to every defense in the land. Passes would rain from the heavyns like meteors; the skye would be alight with the angry flames of THE URBAN. Quaint little villages would be vaporized in bursts of light from simple draw plays. Grown men would heave themselves into heavy machinery rather than face this terrible offense. The beast had to be stopped. Now is the time. LSU has a chance before it...a chance to save an entire population from denim coverage...a chance to ward off the creeping influences of airbrushing...a chance to to rewrite these stories and create new lessons, such as: A stitch in time is from Glenn Dorsey sacking your face. A bird in the hand might be a signal for help if you throw it up real fast and scream maybe it will find help before Chase Pittman eats you. Between a rock and a hard place is still a lot better than being under Ricky Jean-Francois and him looking down at you with those horrororbs. Blood is thicker than water which means Urban may have to cry a lot more to wash down the field after LaRon is done blitzing. Every cloud has a silver lining which Tebow may be able to see from his place face up on the grass after Darry Beckwith lays him out like a Sunday outfit. Beggars can't be choosers because no matter how much Leak begs, Tyson Jackson only knows one kind of sack. Enough talk! It's time to smash through the tender walls of Urban's eyelids and let forth the saline falls once more! Pelini's Pummelsquad 27, BeDazzled Crybabies 17 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.