Maybe they should have employed a different kind of "Under Armour."     "Now, don't forget to look both ways before we get beat by Wisconsin."     "Please, sir, I beg of thee...just one more your votes to make this lil' pauper boy's day shine a bit brighter." Oh dear sweet Beckwith, It's finally here. Like a drunken Christmas, this game provides an exciting, celebratory atmosphere with a pulsing undercurrent of cheap hooch and bitter relations. This game seems to get bigger and bigger every year; the games themselves have ranged from the blowout to the nailbiters, with a healthy dose of SimCity-like disasters tossed in to keep the kids happy, and oh yeah a phantom penalty. Like sands in the hourglass of time, Auburn now finds themselves with superintense cheerleader/former LSU defensive coordinator Will Muschamp. The allure of the dark side is too much for some... Auburn fans have been carefully grooming their goatees in preparation for this tussle; lines have been clipped, edges have been trimmed, and with only days to the game, these hairy mouthframes are finally taking game form. The click-clack of electric clippers stutters over the meaty pocked Plainsmen visages, leaving in its wake a mist of manhair redolent in the thick stink of dip. The goatees must be perfect - they must act like a hair bracket to hold the mouth to the face and be neat enough to suggest "hell yeah I make out let's do this" while being wide enough to give the mouth ample room to expunge the mewled cries of "Wahr Dayum Aygul." They must be light and airy enough for the Plainsmen to run around like sprites, chunking toilet paper into trees (not this weekend, but you know, other weekends), while dense enough to store bits of chicken salad in the event of hunger (or as "make out bait"). The goatee is a delicate balance playing out on their faces and we count ourselves as lucky that we can watch this hairy tale unfold. The goatees help to amplify the warbled "battle cry" that will continuously spring forth from their gaping maws and fill the autumn air. When the Plainsmen are really excited they actually insert a "damn" in there for emphasis, as if an oily spray of dipspit wasn't enough to convince you that they mean it. You can tell how pumped they are for this by the viscous string of drool dangling from their mouthhole...it's a mating mark and a way to keep the goatee moist in the event of many makeouts. Still, the drool poses a pedestrian hazard. Golly, I wish there was a fabric they could wear that could actually ABSORB moisture...oh miracle cloth, where can you be? (click clack) Auburn recently signed a $10+ million apparel deal with Under Armour; the deal requires Auburn to wear Under Armour cleats, uniforms, apparel, and accessories. In addition, Coach Tommy Tuberville will be featured in several commercial spots. Rumor is that A.J. Hawk will be running wind sprints, but instead of dragging a parachute or sled, he will be pulling a bungeed-Coach Tuberville, whose near-Macrotia will provide the appropriate wind resistance. Under Armour spells "armor" with a "u" - you know, to make it fancier. You may have seen "Armour" and initially thought (as we did) of the powerful canned meat empire, which is probably more fitting here. In other words, Under Armour = Under Meat. What is Under Meat, you ask? Well, it's just below Midmeat, and it's a staple of Auburn fans' diets. It is heavily showcased in an Armour favorite, Pork Brains in Milk Gravy; this delightful treat gives Auburn fans the cholesterol they need to power their jowls, which need to vibrate at a fairly high frequency to make "War Damn Eagle" intelligible. *Note to Razorback fans: "Pork Brains in Milk Gravy" does not mean "orgy." Sorry to disappoint. As noted earlier, Coach Tommy Tuberville will also feature prominently in the campaign; presumably, Under Meat is trying to convince customers that with the right workout clothes, anyone can be a jerk. A very DRY jerk. No word on whether Coach Tuberville will actually wear the tight-fitting Under Meat apparel. If he needs a stunt body, we hear Bobby Petrino is RIPPED. The new Under Auburn deal will supposedly center around Under Armour's insufferable "Click-Clack" campaign, which is supposed to mimic the sounds of cleats exiting a tunnel onto the field. This is a great campaign for Auburn, as "click clack" is kinda the sound a man-pom-pom makes when you squint your ears. Under Armour's new athletic gear is specially designed to breathe and allow air transfer; this means that we'll still be able to smell the stink of Ole Miss on Tube. THANKS A LOT UNDER ARMOUR. BRING BACK FRIEDGEN AT LEAST HE SMELLED LIKE HAM. In line with its endorsement and booster deals, Auburn's scoreboard will actually no longer say, "MAKE SOME NOISE," instead encouraging fans to "GET LOWDER!" The Auburn team participates in a tradition they call the "Tiger Walk," which is just kinda like a stroll, but they're dressed up. So it's a fancy stroll. This of course not really how tigers walk, unless tigers move around bipedally reeking of delusion. To be more like a tiger, the Auburn team should actually move on all fours. As an added bonus, Auburn would be hard-pressed to find a more ideal position from which to beg for AP votes. The ADT Trophy smells like corndogs. You can damn your eagle all you want, it won't help after Highsmith and Landry pound on Irons and Cox like wrecking balls. Muschamp is Muschamp, but Tube ain't Saban, and this one is going to be ugly. Prediction Ricky Jean-Francois' eyes 31 Kenny Irons' calves which have never been touched ever and they operate like robotic pistons from a sexier and more efficient future, 17. Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.