Did you know that South Carolina runs out to the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey? Williams-Brice looks like the mothership; this recent tailgating picture proves it, what with the VLA telescopes now mounted on the stadium, in an attempt to do that thing in Contact where you make a big light star with a wormhole - this is done to hopefully negate the suck on the field. In the foreground, a Gamecock fan struggles to open his grill, while former Coach Lou Holtz autographs the Monolith, lovingly nicknamed "Howard's Rock." As always, HALDorsey is watching.     With the Kubrick influence on the team's entrance, it should come as no surprise that this is the only way Blake Mitchell can watch his terrible game film.     Spurrier can only sulk behind the true master of headgear-throwing. Poor blue ponies...had to put 'em down last weekend. They'd just had too much - little fellas just couldn't keep up. With the second string. Maybe we can start those second stringers as a mercy play to Auburn? But all of that is in the past! Let sojourn on and brush that unpleasantness aside, so that we may step firmly onto the second rung of the SEC ladder. It's now when we start to climb. It is hard to do drunk, and even harder knowing we could slip and choke on boudin skin. We packed our fanny packs with cracklins, grabbed our fingerless workout gloves, a tank top that says, "Pensacola '99 and doin' fine," a can of Nehi, some guy named Doug, and a Caniac. We're ready. This week's tussle welcomes to Death Valley the University of South Carolina Gamecocks and their always jovial coach, Steve Spurrier. The "Ol' Ball Coach" is a crafty Gargamel with the visage of a cat's rear and the demeanor of a bratty 7-year old. It's been a few years since the coach came by the stadium - he had to take a brief hiatus to smear some crap preserves over the NFL toast. Prior to Coach Spurrier, the Gamecocks were "coached" by the diminutive and ornery Estelle Getty of college football, Lou Holtz. Both insufferable and unintelligible, Granny Clampett roamed the sidelines in wrinkly grump, dispensing slobber-covered nuggets of prairie gibberish and adding to the Gamecocks' proud tradition of fair-to-middlin'. We received some fine words about the interview we conducted with Norma Skypony last week, so we decided that would be a nice way to start this week, too. We called up South Carolina, sent over the conversion van after we dropped off that dishwasher, and headed over to the airport to pick up Gameycock, their mascot. We brought him out to The Trough Camp and we sat down over a couple of Nehis and a jug of turpentine. We asked our key grip and gaffer, Captain Coot, to join us. TROUGH: Hello, hello! So nice to see you. Please, sit down. CAPTAIN COOT: Do it. GAMEY: Good to be here...uh...is there another seat? TROUGH: What, Coot's lap isn't good enough? What are you, some kind of sissy? Look, his lap is ample and I promise it's soft. That pulsing thing in his abdomen is like one of those shiatsu things. I keep telling Coot he's straight out of The Sharper Image. All he has to do is wear leather and he's like one of those chairs. CAPTAIN COOT: Ionizer! [breaks wind] GAMEY: I...I'm repulsed. I...never mind. Ok, well, I can't say I'm crazy about it, but ok. [adjusts and sits on Coot] TROUGH: Wow, so you guys have had a couple of good wins, yes? Over Georgia? Nicely done. Of course, you also struggled with the peppers of ULlaLlaSLIUSL...uh, what's up with that? And South Carolina State? Is that like if South Carolina and Mississippi State married? If so, wow, that's some serious suck right there. Hell, y'all could have a kid and name him Auburn. GAMEY: Well, we have a stout defense and an offense that has some new contributers, as well as some veteran leadership. I think it's only a matter of time before we put it all together and have a great performance. TROUGH: Wasn't Lou Holtz considered "veteran leadership?" GAMEY: Well, I would say that we've upgraded considerably at that position! We have Steve Spurrier, one of the best coaches to ever walk the sidelines. TROUGH: Coot can do this thing to imitate Spurrier, but it requires a little vegetable shortning. Luckily, he wears it as deodorant. Coot, you ready? CAPTAIN COOT: Yes! [pushes GAMEY off, leaps up, unbuttons overalls, bends over]. Smuckers! GAMEY: [slight dry heave] Oh...ugh...I...what on earth is going on? CAPTAIN COOT: Look at the visor! TROUGH: Hey Ol' Ball Coach! Oh wait, you're not him! I tell you, Gamey - Coot really nails Spurrier's countenace, you know? Oh, that scowl. Looks just like Spurrier. It's amazing. Anyway, so what's next? Want to see Coot make Nick Saban? CAPTAIN COOT: Toll Ride Toll! I eated hay to make the straw hat [squatting] GAMEY: Please, make him stop. Can we please get back to the game? I'm nauseated. TROUGH: Well, given that you've had to watch your offense, you should have a pretty strong stomach, right? You're going to need it on Saturday night. Glenn Dorsey is like a big bottle of Ipecac. GAMEY: I think our defense can keep it close, and our offense can get it done in a close situation if we play mistake-free. ball. We've been in a close game this year, and we were able to grasp victory and hold on. TROUGH: Coot might having something you can grasp. [Coot is pacing back and forth, tugging crotch] GAMEY: Whatever. No one is giving us much of a chance here - we just aren't getting the respect that we deserve, but we're ready to play. TROUGH: Do you think it has something to do with your ridiculous name? GAMEY: Oh yeah, that's it. Look, I've heard every name joke, and our students know them all too. TROUGH: Well, that's good, because frankly, your team has a name whose name begs to be mocked. Really - who calls themselves "South Carolina?" What a bunch of morons. Everbody knows that North is up and South is down and down is bad so we're pretty sure South Carolina SUCKS. When someone's condition is described as "going south," that means they are getting SICKER. South Carolina is sick, alright. Sick with SUCK. Hey, maybe that could be your new nickname! The SUCKERS! I wish there were a word...a magic word...we could put in front "SUCKERS" to really capture the spirit of your coach and team. Hmm...GAMESUCKERS? Hey, that might work... GAMEY: [sigh] Ok, I thought this was about the game. TROUGH: Oh, your quarerback! She's cute! GAMEY: HIS name is Blake Mitchell. TROUGH: Oh, wow - he makes some great hair products, first. Good to hear the operation went smoothly! I would hate to see him lose a staple or an organ - hahaha get it? Hasn't he been there for like 19 years? GAMEY: He is older, yes. TROUGH: So you've had plenty of time to see him on the field, and yet you still want him playing? You need to take your temperature for that decision; you've clearly been infected with THE SUCK. Coot, can I have that thermometer? CAPTAIN COOT: [bending to remove thermometer] I think Spurrier's sick! GAMEY: I think I should be going. I've never been so offended in my whole life. TROUGH: Whatever, man. Your team gave up 14 points to ULlaLlaSLIUSL! You should be really offended about having to watch the SUCKERS play. Especially this weekend. You have no idea what you're in for...our defense is a blanket. A blanket made from PAIN! I just hope that none of our players fall into the black hole your SUCK creates. GAMEY: I am going to leave. TROUGH: Aw, come on. Hey, hey...um, Columbia! Great place! What's that area of bars called, Five Points? GAMEY: Yes. TROUGH: Well, if you take all the 5 streets together and intersect them, it's like a little star, right? Like the rear end of a dog? A dog named SUCK? GAMEY: [seething] TROUGH: Do you think when Blake Mitchell is benched in the 2nd quarter she'll want to have anything to do with me? GAMEY: [gets up and leaves] TROUGH: No, south is that way! Ipecac: 35 Paul Mitchell Maxium Hold Styling: 3 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.