"So you see, members of my herd...it ain't about all that other stuff. I want to talk to you today about the Book of Job. Job and security. Job and safety. Keeping your Job."   Hahaha, good one, football gods! Oh ancient keepers of the oblong, you had us there for a moment...with the punt return followed by the kickoff return, to the wow - it's - not - total - suck play of Brent Schaeffer, you toyed with the pieces of the board for a little while, letting them along side each other, like a game of Stratego but played with souls, all while taking swigs of Magic Shell straight from the bottle and slurping down the innards of your Hot Pockets. We commend you on selecting the finest food The Grove has to offer! Thank you for once more vanquishing the beast that is Ole Miss football - the filthy runty raccoon in the dumpster of the SEC. It's not like it's even a dumpster, really - it's more like one of those big black vessels with the spouts into which used deep fryer oil is poured. Yeah, it's like that. Now, here we are, having wound our way to through the crazy Maize to the final footstep at the entrance to the post season. You know, the doormat. The doormat shaped like a pig. Admittedly, it is nice coming home and scuffing your feet and being rewarded with the smell of bacon, but it's also a hazard - we've slipped on the waxy rendering fat of this doormat more than once before and tumbled. Not this time. Not when the sweetly smoked and cured belly at the door hints at the whole hog behind it. It's a little depressing to have come so far to only be rewarded playing Arkansas, whose soap opera of a program produces more fireworks off the field than on it. Like bacon bits through the overturned - and - Gorilla - glued - gas - funnels of time, these are the days of our Slives. OurKansas is blessed to have a he-beast at running back; Darren McFadden is all man. Well, except for the parts that are robotic and/or pneumatic. McFadden plays in several spots but really only has one position, the "holy crap give that dude the rock" position. Well, except when he hands off to some guy named "Felix." Come on, gentle reader, even you know that that's creepy. OurKansas often lines up in the über-tricky formation called "Wildcat," which translated, means "No quarterback." Left to the coaching of Houston the Nutt and the offensive playcalling done by parent-teacher conference, "Wildcat" is the best thing going for the Hogs. Luckily, there's not a member of the animal kingdom that Tyson Jackson won't tear apart, and oh look, there's Craig Steltz nibbling on a femur. Well, maybe that's the ham. Well, porky goodness aside, this OurKansas team has seen it's share of troubles - heck, in the midst of our own coach rumors, the Hogs have their speculations to confront. But what do we really know? Did you know that pigs have corkscrew-shaped privates? Well, didja? Hang around, pig genitals...we might need you late evening, January 7th. Did you know that Houston Nutt hired his previous offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn out of high school to get prized recruit Mitch Mustain? Maybe if he also invites buttface jerk Derek to the party when Houston's folks are out of town, Sarah will show up and maybe Houston can get her a drink and maybe talk to her. Derek is such a good football player. Some guys are so lucky. If only Sarah knew. Did you know that pigs not only eat their own Saban, but they will also consume their offspring in certain situations? We're just saying - that's one way Houston Nutt could have handled the "Malzahn-Mustain" situation. Did you know that Mitch Mustain's mom and some other parents visited the Arkansas Athletic Director to protest over the offense playcalling? The end result after several more meetings: Ms. Watkins' 4th grade class has drawn up this week's blitz package on the backs of some turkeys they made by tracing their hands on construction paper. Amongst the packages: Hannah Montana Stunt Right, Laser Combo Cloud Weak, High School Musical 2 Claw Fergie McNugget Under Strafe BFF4E Dora the Delayed Mike Blitz No, You're the ugly one Missouri Outs Taylor is SOOOO much cuter than Box Light, Bandit Laser Twist Did you know that the Hog's "battle cry" is SOOOOOIIIEEE! But that's kind of long if you wanted to, say, send it via text message. You could just use "Sue" instead, and that way you could talk to your lawyers, too. Oh, bother. This game is a formality in the SEC; a little nugget of a nullity with a chintzy chunky trophy to the victor. Yay. Someone has to take The Boot, and it may as well be the Tigers. The less heavy weaponry we give the Hogs fans, the safer we can make Houston Nutt. Hey, maybe we can use it to break up the monotony of multiple BCS Championship trophies, you know put it in the middle? It would look like a billion dollar percent sign or something. Go ahead and fatten up on your turkey and your stuffing and your casseroles and your Hot Pockets and your Stagg chili. The boys in P&G are having ham. Today, we give thanks for this tail whipping, 35 OMG IDK HOW FAST #8 WAS KEWL: 17 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.